It is NOT all about the disease
So, what is it about?
Once upon a time, a disease came that almost took me away...
Nope! There's something inside of me that refuses to give the disease (still) the center of attention.
Why?
Well, because it demanded from me all of my attention, all of my energy, and all of my body, and more for more than a year and a half. It came uninvited, stayed uninvited, and obligated me to deal with it by kidnapping me and everyone around me.
But the thing is, I still feel like I’ve been kidnapped...
I still feel like I'm in negotiations with the kidnapper, trying to have the ransom money ready for the transaction. I feel like I'm never going to be free again. Sometimes, I still feel like it's breathing on my neck, like a shadow following me around.
Then again, I realize things aren't black and white. Life isn't black and white, a (life-threatening) disease isn't black and white. At least, not for me.
It's not about blame
It's not about guilt
and it's definitely not about shame
This disease, how horrible it is/ and was, came with valuable lessons too. It opened my eyes and showed me parts of myself I was ignoring. I feel like it came to me and whispered:
"You still haven't listened. This is your last chance"
And I'm in that process, in the liminal space, trying to unweave so many old patterns and unhealthy expectations. Dealing with my worthiness, in an effort to resolve some core limiting beliefs I carry around my body.
So the disease was the instigator of this all and therefore cannot be excluded from my story. It will continue to be part of my life, and definitely - and hopefully someday - part of my past, my history. However, it will not be the main character of my life, and neither will it define me.
Oh and another important thing, I'll try not to call this disease by its name. Everything is energy, everything has energy and that includes i.a. words. This disease especially carries a lot of fear, horror, trauma, other people's stories with it, and many more other negative energies/emotions/vibrations with it just by naming it, and I feel when naming it by its name like bringing those energies (back) into my life.
Side note: No matter the (life-threatening) disease, the (bad) circumstances, the (bad) experience, the trauma, and the destruction, these are all forms of impactful life experiences - call it trauma if you will - that affect us, and the people around us, in a profound and unique way. With this I mean, whatever it showed me, whatever I learned from it, and however it made me feel, is mine alone and it doesn't have to resemble your experience at all. Your feelings, your traumas, and how you feel/experience life - in general and/or its chapters - with all that it contains, is yours alone.
Ps: 🙏🏻 Feel free to click on the ❤️ button on this post so more people can discover it on Substack! 😍
🖊️ Tell me what you think or your experience with this Summer Season in the comment!
Warm hugs,
Vane
Image from Lindsay Nadi, Pexels